


Awakened Revelation

by boneswrites



Series: Things You Said [5]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Oblivious Duo, Past Child Abuse, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 07:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8318443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: Things you said when you were drunk: I was six years old.Where Jim opens up to Leonard about his childhood: his mother, Frank, Tarsus IV...and prays the older man doesn't bolt. Needless to say, Leonard's words and actions leave Jim a little more than surprised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always greatly appreciated!

It was a long and exhausting day, and all Leonard could think about it having just the necessary amount of energy to get himself to the dorm, which follows by collapsing on his bed and sleeping till the morning. Thank God he doesn’t have any early shifts. And he would have totally followed that plan, if it weren’t for the state Jim was in when he walked into the small space.

He couldn’t immediately tell that something was wrong, probably because of the dimmed lights and the younger man practically hidden away in the shadows. But when Jim turned to face Leonard, it couldn’t have been clearer. And that’s when Leonard caught a glimpse of his once-full but now only-half full bottle of bourbon near Jim’s crossed legs. It was full when he left that morning.

“Sorry,” Jim says, turning his attention back to the floor. “I know you said not to drink from it but we’re short of just about everything else. Didn’t feel like making a run.” Jim takes another swing from his glass.

“What’s wrong?” Bones asks, putting his books down on his desk and kicking off his boots. Damn the red cadet uniform, always stiff and suffocating at the neck.

“What? Nothing, nothing is wrong. Why would something be wrong? Everything’s just fine.” Jim stumbles.

Leonard raises an eyebrow at Jim as he shrugs out of the uniform, getting into comfortable sweatpants and a cotton t-shirt. He approaches Jim again.

“Well, for one this bottle was full in the morning so just by looking at it, something is not right. And you feel…different. Talk to me, Jim.”

“It’s nothing some fine bourbon can’t fix,” Jim insists.

Leonard had gone through this once or twice before, Jim would start drinking and he’d zone out of the world, and delve into the sky and stars above them, Leonard imagines. They wouldn’t say much, but with all the time they’ve spent together, words weren’t really needed. They knew they understood each other, even if they don’t know everything about the other. It’s an unspoken truth between them, that they’re both bruised and maybe a little broken but they’re okay.

Jim was talkative, sometimes his mouth wouldn’t stop running but Leonard knew Jim didn’t talk about everything, and he knew he wasn’t expected to, either. There are black holes in both their pasts, events and situations they don’t want to revisit and they respect that about each other, they know it’s a safe house when they’re together. But there’s so much one person can handle before they break, unveiling everything that’s been tucked away and hidden, hoping to never see the light. But things slip sometimes.

Leonard is sitting next to Jim, and spots the empty glass next to the bottle.

“So you knew I’d be joining you, huh?” He reaches for it and then the bottle, pouring himself a drink.

“We all know you’d never give up the chance for a good drink,” Jim chuckles.

“Damn straight,” Leonard agrees before taking a sip and enjoying the burning sensation as it runs down his throat. He turns his head to face Jim, studying him and lets out the breath he was holding when he realizes Jim isn’t hurt. At least the part of his face he can see in the light.

“You’re not hurt.”

Jim shakes his head. “Didn’t go out, didn’t feel like it. Thought it would be a better evening to come back here and sit alone and think.”

“Right, cause that’s always a bright idea. You and the bottle and darkness,” Leonard sighs. “You gonna tell me what really happened?”

“Not particularly.”

“I’m gonna sit here until that passes then,” Leonard says, taking another sip.

They sit in silence for minutes or hours, Leonard couldn’t tell. Not that he cared how long they sat there, he would be there for as long as Jim needed. And the younger man may end up not uttering a single word, but for Leonard, the most important thing is for Jim to know that he’s there, and that he’ll always be right by his side.

Leonard didn’t know specifics about Jim’s childhood and life growing up, but he got the jist of it. He heard people talk on campus, of course they talked, but he could also imagine what it was like for Jim to grow up without a father, to be neglected by his own mother (that wasn’t a secret) and to be constantly compared to someone he never met and someone he believes he’ll never live up to. Leonard says otherwise, though.

So logically speaking, Jim has every right to be angry and mad and dark and twisted and selfish. But in reality, Jim is the opposite of all of that. His smile brightens up the universe, his eyes sparkle with determination and passion and he’s already ready to give whatever needs to be given for other people. And when the big persona and huge personality that is Jim Kirk drops away, usually in the confinement of their dorm, Leonard sees the raw Jim, the Jim that is gentle and soft and tender and down to earth. And he knows he’s the only one that will see Jim like that because Jim trusts him.

Leonard doesn’t blame Jim for the way he is in public, because he isn’t faking anything, that is how Jim Kirk is, however there’s more to him, there’s more under his skin that people simply don’t see when it’s right in front of them. People don’t take the time to actually get to know Jim because they think they already do, but oh how wrong they are. Leonard treats Jim like a person, when everyone else treats him like a myth.

He knows it’s a defense mechanism, the way Jim acts and speaks, and he can’t blame the kid. It’s not like Leonard doesn’t have his own set of defense mechanisms. The grumpiness and hard exterior for two, but just like Jim, Leonard has another layer underneath that very few people get to see. And they’re both protective over that sensitive piece of themselves because of what they went through in their pasts.

“There are things you don’t know,” Jim says quietly.

Leonard moves slowly so he doesn’t startle Jim, staying silent.

“About me,” Jim continues, “about my past. And…and I’m scared to tell you because…” he swallows before recollecting his breathing. “Because it will change the way you look at me and you’ll start to look at me the same way everyone else does and I can’t handle that.”

Leonard’s eyes soften, even though Jim can’t see them. “That’s not true, Jim. They look at you that way because they don’t know you, they know all the superficial stuff, but don’t know the real you. But I do, I might not know everything, but I know you better than they do. And I know you’re more than just a shell, a shadow of your father, I know you’re your own person, and nothing will ever change the way I see you. You know why? Look at me, Jim, look at me.”

Ever so slowly, Jim faces Leonard, his hazy blue meeting clear hazel and the look in Leonard’s eyes tells him everything he needs to know.

“Because I see _you_ , I don’t see your past, I don’t see your father or your mother, I see beyond the scars, I see Jim. If anything, it’s going to make me prouder of you, because whatever it is that happened, you survived it. You made it, and that counts for everything. When I look at you, I see strength and loyalty and willpower.” _And the man I’m in love with_. “I see everything I’ve been missing out in my life.”

Jim draws in a long breath and shakily pushes it out. “I…”

“Jim, you’re under no obligation to tell me anything. Don’t push yourself, that won’t change the way I see you either,” Leonard assures.

“No, no, I want to tell you. I need to tell you,” Jim insists.

“Okay then, I’m right here, you take as much time as you need,” Leonard nods.

“People talk, and…I don’t think they’ll ever stop talking you know, they’ve been running their mouths since the first day I got here and they think I don’t know, that I don’t noticed by how can I not?” Jim scoffs. “It stopped bothering me, but it made me think about…about where I really came from. It made me think about everything I went through as a kid and…even though I swore to never open that damned door again, I needed to let someone know because if I didn’t…it would eat me up alive. And I knew you’re the one I wanted to tell. You’re the only one who makes me feel something, makes me feel like I’m an actual person and fuck Bones…that means the whole world.”

Leonard gives him a small smile.

Jim swallows, taking a deep breath. “My mom wasn’t around much when I was growing up, I guess she took off first chance she got and…it was just me and Sam. As far as big brothers ago, he took care of me, made sure I was fed and clothed but nothing more. Just like mom, he couldn’t look at me. She couldn’t look at me because I reminded her of George and Sam, well Sam looked at me and all he saw was the reason his father was dead. Forget about the other seven-hundred-ninety-eight lives that my dad saved as well, to him, he was dead because of me. He makes it seem like people choose when they want to be born.”

Leonard feels his heart breaking.

“I’m like the black sheep of the family, obvious fact. And Sam was actually excited when he knew he was having a little brother, kept going on about how he can’t wait to teach me how to ride a good old fashioned bicycle, and build tree houses together and all that kind of stuff. And then I came along and ruined everything.”

“You know that’s not true, Jim.”

“Maybe not, but that’s how he sees it. That’s how they both do. I was alone for the longest time, and then my mother married Frank. She came home one day, arm liked with his and introduced us to him. She said it was better for us this way, _you’ll have someone with you while I’m away for work_ , she said. Work. Huh. She always used that excuse and it never got old. It was good for the first few months, mom would leave for shorter amounts of time to see how everyone was…settling in. And Frank started out as a good guy, he would cook dinner and help with homework and hell, sometimes he even took us to games. Until one day, it was like a switch was flipped.”

Leonard squeezes his eyes shut, knowing exactly what Jim means. He holds his breath.

“It’s like the man he was just disappeared, overnight. I think he had some big fight with mom and he started drinking and he never really stopped. He lost his job and the frustration of that was taken out on us. Well, on me. It started out as verbal, he would yell and scream and say how useless I was, and how irresponsible I am and that I’m a waste of space. It went on for a while, and by time it just started being noise. I was numb to it and when he no longer saw the tears threatening to spill or the sheer horror on my face, that’s when he started to hit me. I was six years old.” A lifeless laugh leaves Jim’s mouth, followed by a sniff.

“Jesus…” Leonard whispers.

Jim doesn’t respond to Leonard, and the doctor suspects Jim has been transformed to a whole other world, it’s almost like he was reliving the story for himself, not letting Leonard in on his darkest and more painful secrets.

“What could a six year old possibly do to deserve that? The days kind of blended together after that, I couldn’t tell them apart and my body just started to shut down. Again, I was numb and he would just hit harder and harder.”

There’s no telling which man was responsible for the strangled cry that echoed in the small room.

“It’s actually kind of ironic,” Jim continues. “Because when my mom would come back, everything would be fine, it would be just like the beginning. Frank could be the real family man when he wanted to be. Whenever she would ask about the bruises, Frank would be like _he’s a clumsy kid_ , but I think she knew. Deep down, I think she knew and she didn’t do anything about it. She just kept leaving and he just kept hitting. And then I ran away from home and…he didn’t take that very well and ended up locking me up in my room for two days straight.”

“Fucking hell,” Leonard curses under his breath. “What about Sam?”

“Sam…” Jim sucks in a deep gush of air. “Sam pretended not to see. He wasn’t home all that much anyway. He was bigger and older than I was so Frank couldn’t hit him. I think he actually may have liked Sam, and he just…hated me. I was the weaker kid, the smaller kid, makes sense to take it out on the underdog. And Sam didn’t do anything about it. I think he was scared Frank would start hitting him, too.”

Suddenly in need of copious amounts of alcohol, Leonard fills his glass and downs the drink in one go.

“Where’s Sam now?” Leonard asks.

Jim shrugs. “No clue, haven’t heard from him in years. But I guess he’s probably some hotshot lawyer now. That’s what he always said he wanted to be, you know, during those two seconds we actually talked. And that just…hurts, it stings so much because Sam is willing to defend strangers yet he never thought about protecting his little brother.” A tear streaks down Jim’s cheek, one he doesn’t bother wiping away.

Instead, Leonard extends his arm and brushes the tear away with his thumb.

“He wanted to sell my father’s car and that was my breaking point. I took the car out and drove it right off a cliff. And I guess that was his breaking point with me too because next thing I know…I was being shipped off to…to Tarsus IV.”

Leonard’s heart drops into his stomach, his blood running icy in his veins and chilling his entire body. If he thought what he already heard from Jim was terrible and sadistic and downright unimaginable…this was a hundred times worse. He knew about the Tarsus IV massacre, he knew about the monster called Kodos, but he never for one single passing moment, would have imagined that someone he knew, and not just anyone, but _Jim Kirk_ had actually living through that.

The shock must be so clearly drawn on Leonard’s face because Jim had turned to look at him and was nodding.

“Yeah, I know,” Jim says. “Can’t imagine it, huh?”

“You…” Leonard swallows against his suddenly dry throat. “You were on Tarsus?”

“I arrived about six months before the…incident. My aunt and uncle were on the colony so he sent me to live with them. But you wanna hear the strangest part?”

Leonard doesn’t move.

“I actually liked it there. Before the famine and starvation, I mean. It was everything I imagined having growing up. Other kids my age, open fields, kind people…no Frank. It was like a breath of fresh air. Until that of course burned to the ground and the ashes were scattered across the universe. They didn’t tell us what was happening in the beginning, because how could they? They had to control the situation. So they waited until it was too late and then the executions began. Dozens and dozens per day and my aunt and uncle didn’t live to see the third day.”

“Jesus Christ, Jim…”

“If you thought I had issues before…this is a whole other thing.”

“No one should have gone through that, let alone you. You deserved better, so much better.”

“Yeah well, I was there,” Jim sighs. “I could still see it and hear it every now and then. The rivers of blood, the people screaming, the dust blowing in the wind and distorting everything. I didn’t know what’s the point of being alive anymore, and I believed I was cursed because everywhere I go and everything I touch gets destroyed. My stomach couldn’t handle solid food for an entire month after the rescue ships arrived, I was stuck in bed for another month after that because my legs couldn’t carry me. They recorded different names, to give the survivors anonymity, and it was never talked about again. It’s almost like people forgot. But I’ll never forget. It gets easier with time? Bullshit.”

“Your medical records,” Leonard expresses.

“What about them?”

“They’re incomplete. They’re missing a chunk and I always assumed it’s cause you hate doctors and procedures but now…you were on Tarsus during that time, and the months following it.”

“Yeah,” Jim nods. “They couldn’t put it in the records. We were treated by one doctor and he never opened his mouth. Can you imagine what would happen if the names of the Tarsus survivors were revealed?”

“You’ve already been through enough as it is,” Leonard shakes his head.

“I don’t know what happened to the rest of the survivors,” Jim admits. “Heard from one of them a couple years ago but nothing since.”

“Do you want to find out?”

“I don’t know,” Jim hesitates.

“Could you even find out?”

“If I go to Pike, he could help out, yeah but…what do you even talk about? You survive a massacre together and yet…what do you say to each other?”

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while, haven’t you?”

“I guess. I always wonder if any of them reach out to me, how would things go?”

“I would say it’s not a calculation, there isn’t a right and wrong thing to say or topic to talk about. I would say that if it were to happen, it should be as natural as possible, see where the conversation takes you.”

Jim’s lips tug up in a small smile. “You always did offer the best advice, Bones.”

“Where is he now?”

“I have no idea, he just…walked out one day and never came back. Surprised Sam didn’t blame me for that, too. He could be in jail or he could be dead. They’re still married, though. As we got older, I started going my separate way and got into trouble and all that. And then Sam left, and I rarely saw my mom. Don’t know how I didn’t end up dead in a ditch.”

“Don’t say that, Jim.”

“It’s true though. I don’t know how I survived.”

“Maybe your insane level of determination had something to do with it,” Leonard teases. “But the point is, you survived. And that’s the most important thing.”

“I sometimes try to pretend it never happened, all of it. I did for a while, when I was on Tarsus, I imagined that I was never born a Kirk, that I wasn’t messed up and broken and it felt good, it felt really good. And then reality crashed right into me. It’s like the world was trying to get rid of me but I was too stubborn to let it.”

“And I’m grateful for that, Jim. I’m grateful you’re here, because if you weren’t then I wouldn’t be here either,” Leonard admits.

Jim’s tongue darts out to lick his chapped lips and Leonard follows the movement.

“Why now?”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Why tell me all this now?”

Jim takes a few glances at Leonard, averting his eyes between the hazel and the floor they’re sitting on. Might as well go the whole way. “Because…because I believe that someone should know the worst thing about you if…if you’re going to be together.”

Leonard almost choked on his unspoken words. Together? Like…together together? How…Jim has never expressed any interest in him or in a relationship. Leonard has been trying so hard to bury his feelings for his best friend because there was no way in hell Jim would choose to be with him. Or so he thought. The confusion must be evident on his face because the next words coming out of Jim’s mouth threaten to bring Leonard’s entire world crashing down.

“And you have no idea what I’m talking about,” Jim sighs. “Forget I said anything. I…I just wanted to let someone in. Rare for me, but there’s no else I’d rather let in.”

“What?” Leonard narrows his eyes. “Jim, no—”

“I don’t want to freak you out, Bones, it’s okay, I understand. This friendship means everything to me and I wouldn’t do anything to compromise that.”

 _I want more than just friendship, you idiot,_ Leonard thinks but doesn’t speak.

“Since we’re being completely honest, it’s now out in the open and I don’t want it to be awkward between us so do whatever you gotta do.”

This is going in the wrong direction, completely wrong, wrong, wrong. “Jim, shut up!”

Jim is taken aback but Leonard’s sudden outburst, his eyes going a little wide.

“I needed you to stop talking for two damn seconds,” Leonard breathes. “You jump to conclusions way too fast, kid. You throw this at me and you don’t even give me time to process it before you’re pulling back. I don’t want you to pull back. I just…I never knew you felt like this.”

“Why does it matter?” Leonard can hear the frustration rising in Jim’s voice.

“It matters because it changes everything.”

Jim looks at Leonard like he’s grown a second head.

“Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you?” Leonard huffs, changing his position so he’s sitting across from Jim. He nervously lifts his arms and takes Jim’s face into his hands, seeing surprise surging through Jim’s blue eyes and the younger man almost flinches away. “It matters because I never knew you felt the same way.”

“W—What?” Jim barely says. “The same…way?”

A small chuckle is caught between them from Leonard. “I think I started falling for you the moment I met you.”

“You did?”

Instead of answering, Leonard slowly leans in, placing a kiss to the edge of Jim’s mouth. Jim moves towards Leonard’s lips but they’re gone too quickly.

“I never felt like this about anyone before,” Jim whispers. “And it scared me.”

“It scared me too, Jim. I was living on borrowed time when we met, and you saved me. You gave me a new life, you gave me hope and you gave me a home.”

“Sometimes home is a person,” Jim smiles through unshed tears. “I’m glad to be home.”

It’s Jim who’s closing the gap between them this time, connecting his lips to Leonard’s and Leonard tastes everything that is Jim. It’s tender and sweet and gentle, a comforting press against each other with just the right amount of pressure. It promises of reassurance, warmth, safety and belonging. A tear slips through Jim’s closed shields, wetting Leonard’s skin.

“You’ve got me, kid,” Leonard says when they pull apart and their foreheads are touching. “Till the end of time, you got me.” His fingers weave through the short blond hair sitting at the bottom of Jim’s head.

And for the first time in his life, Jim felt the dark deep hole inside him start to mend.


End file.
